I had a stack of records I just took out of a box. My cat came over and sniffed them. Then he bit the corner of the record cover off and walked away. My daughter said “Looks like he has a taste for 80’s rock”
My daughter raised one eyebrow at me. She said “This is my Dominant eyebrow. Right handed, Left Eyebrowed”
I went out on a golf course to watch my son play golf. I rode along with him in the cart. I know nothing about golf.
My son said “it’s in! It’s in!”
His friends said “it’s in? Yes!! It’s in!!
I said “I don’t see it. In where? In the hole?”
He said “no in that bunker over there about 600 yards away. Of course in the hole” (read that with sarcasm)
I said “I’m not coming next time am I?”
He said “I can’t believe you even asked”
I said “I’ll take that as a maybe”
My son was offered a sample of food at a local market. He took a bite and whispered that’s horrible and looked like he was going to spit it out on his plate while he was standing near the sample stand. I said, “NO, don’t spit it like that” I grabbed a napkin and told him to step away from people and he discreetly put it in the napkin. I gave him a quick mom lecture on manners. Then my daughter came up to us. She said “try this” while tossing food in my mouth. My first reaction was the same as my son. I needed to spit it out! He grabbed a napkin and I went around the isle to try to discreetly spit it out.
My son said “told you so” Funny guy! Why would I open my mouth to anything after I saw my son spit food? I will never know…
My daughter had been telling me she wasn’t feeling well. She was resting on the couch all day. She walked over to me and said “I’m sick” and I knew she was going to puke, NOW. She was standing at a doorway. On one side of her was carpet. The other side was hardwood. I quickly turned her toward the hardwood. My only thoughts were it’s easier to clean vomit from hardwood than carpet and I knew she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom to puke. So yes, she instantly puked, on the hardwood. Yes, it was much easier to clean but I feel a bit guilty that my first response when I knew puking was immediate and inevitable was to direct it away from the carpet.
I was watching TV with my kids. I had the remote and I was flipping through the guide.
Me-Hey, kids let’s watch Expendables 2. I didn’t know they had a two.
Son-You would let us watch that?
Me-Sure, why not?
Son-Really, we could watch it?
Me-Why not. We saw the first Expendables.
Daughter-No, we didn’t.
Me-Yes, we did. Remember that family, in the super hero suits. The mom was elastic and stretchy and the dad was super strong. We have seen that a million times.
Both kids burst into laughter!
Son-That was The Incredibles, mom. NOT The Expendables.
Me-Yep, big difference.
Me-You are laughing with me not at me right?
Daughter-Nope, we are laughing at you.
I tried on a pair of beautiful shoes. Black. Four inch heels. My daughter said why do you put your feet in foot prison. Those must feel terrible. Yes, they don’t feel great and in a few hours they will feel worse, but today I am willing to pay the price for style.
I can’t believe I just said this to my son.
“It’s bedtime stop talking to Siri and go to sleep”
My daughter and I were folding clothes.
My daughter-you know I have almost all Christmas underwear. Santa, ho ho ho, wreaths, red and green stripes. And you know it’s not Christmas.
Me-yep, I know
Me-do you know why?
My daughter-yes, we go to old navy right after Christmas and the Christmas underwear is like a buck for a package.
Me-yep, that’s right.
My daughter-you know that’s not how other people do it.
Me-yep, I know
My daughter-that’s just one of the reasons I’ll need therapy
Me-yep, I know.
My dad brought over a bag of random stuff he thought my kids “might like to play with”. One of the items in the bag was a package of mouse traps. Really dad? I’d blame it on his age but he has always been like that.