I was on the plane flying from LA. The person next to me was a woman about fifty who had never flown. She spent all of the two hour flight hyperventilating, banging her head into the headrest of her seat and banging her head into the seat in front of her . She also sat with her legs crossed Indian style (I know that’s not a politically correct term. My children were taught to say “criss cross applesauce” in preschool) Her knees were on my legs. She rocked less when her legs were in this position. At first I couldn’t decide which was worse, her knees on my legs or her rocking. I quickly decided I needed my space and she needed to stay in her space. A flight attendant came by with bags of snacks. I took one, the woman next to me put both hands into the snack bag and took as many bags as her hands could hold. I closed my eyes at this point and faked sleep while I listened to her pretzel bags rustling. It was a long flight! For both of us, I assume.
I was invited to have dinner at the house of a film producer I have worked for. I would like to be hired on future jobs by him so I thought I should go. I didn’t really want to go because his wife is so unusual. Four other people were going so I thought I could make it through one dinner. I reminded myself that it’s only a couple hours, When I arrived the table was set and there was a box that said ovulation test kit sitting in the middle of the table. Instead of flowers? I don’t know… Eventually she replace the box with a bowl full of salad.
I survived the dinner small talk but I can’t say the same for his other guests. The hosts wife told them how much she disliked their church, the leaders of their church, the founders of their church, the denomination of their church. Yep, that was uncomfortable! The other guests were kind and gracious to her, I was impressed. The host tried to divert her attention but she was relentless. At the first opportunity they were out the door. I was trying to follow them but she insisted I come in the kitchen. She said she wanted to give me a doggie bag of her dinner. I tried telling her no (because it was awkward and the food was terrible) but she insisted. I gave in to the doggie bag so I could leave. She emptied a wonder bread bag that contained a few slices of bread and used that to pack my doggie bag. She used her hand and reached into a bowl containing vegetables and scooped a handful out and tossed it in the bread bag. Then she scooped out some pasta, with her hand and tossed it in the bread bag. She continued scooping some food from each bowl with her hand and filling the bread bag until I had some from each bowl. There were layers of vegetables, pasta, marinara sauce, chicken, potatoes, salad, bread, pickles, and a piece of cake all in one bag. I have to admit it looked terrible and I’m not a fan of mixing too many foods together. I smiled and thanked her, but all I wanted to do was leave. She said sit down, let’s talk. I sat at the table and listened for twenty minutes about how hard it was to get a housekeeper you can count on, how their house was just too big. She said “You should count yourself lucky not to be burdened with a house this big, do you know how big of a staff I have to manage. Just be glad you have a very small house” Then in mid sentence she stopped, went to her ovulation test kit picked it up and said she hopes she’s ovulating, maybe she should check and asked if I wanted to know if she was. No, no I did not. I just wanted to leave. I quickly said I must go and picked up my bread bag and said thank you and left.
No, I didn’t eat the bread bag combo she gave me. No, I won’t go back. No, I don’t know if she was ovulating. But I hope I am hired on his next movie because I deserve it after that evening.