Foot prison

I tried on a pair of beautiful shoes. Black. Four inch heels. My daughter said why do you put your feet in foot prison. Those must feel terrible. Yes, they don’t feel great and in a few hours they will feel worse, but today I am willing to pay the price for style.

Things have changed

I can’t believe I just said this to my son.

“It’s bedtime stop talking to Siri and go to sleep”

Christmas underwear and therapy

My daughter and I were folding clothes.

My daughter-you know I have almost all Christmas underwear. Santa, ho ho ho, wreaths, red and green stripes. And you know it’s not Christmas.
Me-yep, I know
Me-do you know why?
My daughter-yes, we go to old navy right after Christmas and the Christmas underwear is like a buck for a package.
Me-yep, that’s right.
My daughter-you know that’s not how other people do it.
Me-yep, I know
My daughter-that’s just one of the reasons I’ll need therapy
Me-yep, I know.

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Thanks Dad?

My dad brought over a bag of random stuff he thought my kids “might like to play with”. One of the items in the bag was a package of mouse traps. Really dad? I’d blame it on his age but he has always been like that.

You are just like your dad

My dad-I went to the doctor today. She wears her hair in cornfields now.
Me-you mean cornrows dad.
My dad-oh, yes, that’s it.
My daughter-laughed and said you are just like your dad!
Me-that’s true. I am just like my dad but even worse you are just like me.
My daughter-laughed and said sadly you are right.

Chopped

I was watching Chopped with my kids. I said “I could go on that show and win”
My son said “no, you couldn’t”
I said “well, I could at least go on that show and not get chopped first”
My son said “no, you couldn’t”
I said “I could at least get on that show”
My son said “no you couldn’t”
I looked at the Mac N Cheese and chicken nuggets that was their lunch.
I said “no I couldn’t”

There is an elephant in the store

My daughter and I were walking through the grocery store. A person in an elephant costume with a sign around it’s neck walked by. I read the sign out loud, “number sign elephant?” My daughter laughed, it’s hashtag elephant, mom.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
Just an after thought. We didn’t question the elephant in the store, we only discussed my lack of cool because I didn’t say hashtag.

Cheeseburger with no cheese

I took my kids to a local burger place for dinner. I ordered for my daughter. She wanted a kids cheeseburger meal. I ordered it and the clerk said they had cheeseburgers but with no cheese. I was surprised, no cheese? At all? Really? I asked the girl if she was sure. She said that’s right we have no cheese, except goat cheese. I wanted to say why does a burger place like this have goat cheese but I didn’t really want to know. I just wanted to feed my kids and go home. I held back my need to tell her that a cheeseburger with no cheese is a hamburger. My son ordered his dinner. We got our burgers and sat down. I looked at my son’s meal and it was a cheeseburger. Cheese between each layer. Orange processed cheese. I asked my son how he got cheese and he said he just ordered a double cheeseburger. Then my daughter starts with how come he got cheese. I went to the counter and asked the clerk for cheese for my daughter. I reminded her that she said the restaurant had no cheese. She just stared at me. She said nothing. Another clerk came up and put a piece of cold cheese wrapped in plastic on a plate, gave it to me and pointed at the tip jar. I would have taken anything orange to give my daughter at that point. I was so frustrated I told my kids we would never come back, but truth be told I know eventually we will. The kids do too. They looked at me and smiled while I ranted about the cheese. The burger place will have a toy with the meal and it will be late and the kids will be hungry and I will be tired and I will go and they will probably be out of cheese.

Just to let you know I didn’t put anything in the tip jar.

Wardrobe shopping on Halloween

I assisted a wardrobe stylist in LA on many commercials. She was very unusual but she liked me and the money was great. We had to buy additional wardrobe for a commercial. The powers that be completely changed the wardrobe for the talent. We only had a couple hours before the mall closed to get the new clothes we needed. What made the shopping a challenge (or nightmare) was it was Halloween and the mall was having a trick or treat at the mall event. I have never seen so many children! I couldn’t get from one store to another. The commercial couldn’t be shot without the clothes and if I didn’t come through with my half the list I would never work for that stylist or production company again (no, pressure). I got a call from the stylist and she said she was almost done with her half of the list. I couldn’t believe she was getting her shopping done so quickly! I couldn’t get from one store to the next! I asked her how she was moving so quickly through the sea of trick or treaters! She said “easy, I carried two large paper Macy’s bags, one in each hand and I swing them front to back, front to back. This is like a wrecking ball, it knocks the kids out of my way and opens up a path”
I said “oh come on now you are joking” (hoping she would say she was)
She responded I get the job done and I hate kids, you know that. Sadly, I did. She finished her list early and went for dinner. I was at the mall until they kicked me out.

Can’t drive a go-cart

I took my kids to a go-cart place. It was for my sons birthday. The kids were so excited to go. I was first in line when the attendant at the ride told me to go. My cart wouldn’t go anywhere. The line behind me was getting long. The attendant came over and said Miss press the green pedal not the red one. Oops. My kids shook their head as they passed me on the track. Yep, I drove them here but can’t start a go-cart.