Tag Archives: humor

Don’t dress in the dark

I had been up most of the night because both of my kids were sick. I was exhausted when I had to get up at 5:00 AM and go to an event for work. With the help of the GPS I arrived with a co worker at the location and found a parking spot. As we were walking to the building I felt my co worker touching the back of my blouse. She said “is your blouse inside out?” I said “of course not”, then I looked at my sleeves and realized it was. As I’m looking down at my sleeves I hear the client yell my name. He was standing on the steps of the building we were approaching about 25 yards away. I waved. Turned around and walked about 6 feet behind me and stepped behind a tall hedge, pulled off my shirt and slipped it back on the right way. My co worker stood in front of me trying to hide me as I took my shirt off (unfortunately I’m eight inches taller than she is) and I could still hear the client yelling my name. After I fixed my shirt we walked over to our client. He said “you went the wrong way! I didn’t want you to miss me, where did you go” I said “I thought I left something in my car, I was going to go back to my car but found it” He said “oh, ok…and just stared. I don’t know what he thought but he did seem perplexed. The meeting did go well and thankfully he flew back to NY. 

Concerned gas station attendant?

I just paid for gas inside a 7-11. I tried to pump the gas but it didn’t work. I went in and told the cashier the pump didn’t seem to be working. He said I took too long to get to the pump and he gave me a long explanation about their pumps and a new system and more. He said he adjusted the pump and I should try to pump gas again. I said I’ll hurry out to the pump. He said “don’t run in such a way you will hurt yourself” I laughed! I also ran out to the pump in an awkward and to me amusing way.

Don’t be “that guy”

I was at a Super Bowl party and there was that one guy that was so annoying.

The host said “did you like the cheese puffs”
That guy said “75% of them didn’t have cheese, but they were alright”
Host “why did you eat them then?”
That guy said “what am I suppose to do, spit them out?”

That guy said “Those commercials aren’t funny. I work in film you know, I don’t get it! I just don’t get it. I work I film you know”

(We all work in film. Not impressive)

That guy said “That’s Charlene Tilton! Wow, she looks good.
Host said “nope, that’s Kate Upton”

He kept moving his chair closer and closer to the TV. By the end of the game he was sitting within touching range of TV.

That guy yelled at the TV constantly and referred to himself as a Patriot.
“We made that pass. We ran the ball. YAAAAAA!!!”

How do some people survive?

I went to visit a new friend for dinner. They are in their early 40’s. I brought my kids, they brought pizza. We were chatting and she asked if I’d ever had flatware fall into the garbage disposal. I said “of course.”
She said “it happened to you, too?”
He said “what did you do!”
I said “I pulled it out.”
They gasped! They said something like how did you do that! I can’t believe it!
In their eyes I became a superhero, I didn’t know why.
She said “how did you get it out?!”
I said “I turned off the garbage disposal and put my hand in and took the fork out.”
They GASPED! They said “You what?!?”
“How?!” “Did you turn the house power off?” “Take the batteries out?”
I said “nope, turned off the garbage disposal, put my hand in, pulled out the fork”
No big deal, it happens.
He said “would you get the knife out of our disposal, it’s been there for weeks and we didn’t know what to do?”
I laughed, I probably shouldn’t have. Then I removed the knife from their disposal.
They gushed over me. It was as if I won a Nobel Prize.
I still wonder how they have survived a combined age of over eighty years.

As I was leaving she asked me to show her how to make a grilled cheese sandwich next time I visit.

What’s that smell?!

I was given a ring that is put on the light bulb of a lamp. Fragrant oils are poured into the trough around the ring and the room becomes fragrant as the light bulb heats the oil. I have enjoyed the gift. The room smells so nice. I hurriedly added “oil” to the ring last night. As I sat reading I started to smell a medicine smell. I walked around sniffing trying to locate the source of the unpleasant smell. It was coming from my lamp. I looked at the oil I had used. Yep, you guessed it I didn’t put oil in it. I used orajel (the stuff you put on babies gums when they are teething). The bottles looked the same. The smell was not the same! The room smelled like simmering medicine all night. Sigh…

Don’t eat the samples

My son was offered a sample of food at a local market. He took a bite and whispered that’s horrible and looked like he was going to spit it out on his plate while he was standing near the sample stand. I said, “NO, don’t spit it like that” I grabbed a napkin and told him to step away from people and he discreetly put it in the napkin. I gave him a quick mom lecture on manners. Then my daughter came up to us. She said “try this” while tossing food in my mouth. My first reaction was the same as my son. I needed to spit it out! He grabbed a napkin and I went around the isle to try to discreetly spit it out.
My son said “told you so” Funny guy! Why would I open my mouth to anything after I saw my son spit food? I will never know…

A confession

I have had money and had no money. Having money was better.
The film business has a lot of twists and turns. Sometimes there is work, sometimes there isn’t. About a year ago in one of my phases of having no money I was working nights at a very nice restaurant to feed my kids until things got better. An older man came in and ate and then came over to the front door where I was standing and chatted with me. We had a little conversation and he reached his hand out to shake mine as he was leaving. As he shook my hand he simultaneously gave my butt a pat and slipped money in my hand. Out the door he raced. I looked in my hand and there was a hundred dollar bill. I was a little stunned. I was offended that he just grabbed my butt and I was shocked that he slipped a hundred in my hand and raced away. This is my blog confession. I could have caught up with him and confronted him but I didn’t say a word. I slipped the hundred in my pocket. I really needed the money. I never saw the man again and I never told anyone until now. I always felt guilty about that.

Mom I’m going to puke

My daughter had been telling me she wasn’t feeling well. She was resting on the couch all day. She walked over to me and said “I’m sick” and I knew she was going to puke, NOW. She was standing at a doorway. On one side of her was carpet. The other side was hardwood. I quickly turned her toward the hardwood. My only thoughts were it’s easier to clean vomit from hardwood than carpet and I knew she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom to puke. So yes, she instantly puked, on the hardwood. Yes, it was much easier to clean but I feel a bit guilty that my first response when I knew puking was immediate and inevitable was to direct it away from the carpet.

Are my kids laughing with me or at me?

I was watching TV with my kids. I had the remote and I was flipping through the guide.

Me-Hey, kids let’s watch Expendables 2. I didn’t know they had a two.
Son-You would let us watch that?
Me-Sure, why not?
Son-Really, we could watch it?
Me-Why not. We saw the first Expendables.
Daughter-No, we didn’t.
Me-Yes, we did. Remember that family, in the super hero suits. The mom was elastic and stretchy and the dad was super strong. We have seen that a million times.

Both kids burst into laughter!

Son-That was The Incredibles, mom. NOT The Expendables.
Daughter-Big difference.
Me-Yep, big difference.

We laughed!
Me-You are laughing with me not at me right?
Daughter-Nope, we are laughing at you.