My kids wanted to go see a country concert last night. I agreed we should go. How could I not go, my kids wanted me to go with them. Soon they might not. I was on the phone and mentioned the concert to my brother.
I said “we are going to see a concert tonight, Angelina Ballerina”
My daughter said “it’s Kelsea Ballerini. Angelina Ballerina is a child’s book. About a mouse”
I laughed and said “Whoops. It’s kinda close, sort of”.
She said “Nope. Not one bit” but I saw her smile, even though she tried not to.
Me-I like to cook
Woman-I can’t cook. I’ve never used an oven. Wait, I’ve made shrinky dinks. Do those count. They go in the oven.
Me-Sure, let’s say that counts. Sigh…
My daughter said she had a dating question. I told her to ask anything she wanted.
She said “do old people find other old people attractive, or do they just have to date in their range?”
(I wonder if she thinks I’m in the old people category?)
“I had my Bentley washed and detailed today. They put a strawberry air freshener in it and I can’t get the smell out of my car. No one had a day worse than mine”
I was on what felt like a long flight home to LA. The pilot told everyone to remain seated, he was expecting turbulence. A man in front of me stood up in the isle and started stretching. It appeared that he was trying to do the splits. Then he bent his leg at the knee and pulled his foot towards his butt. The pilot repeated his announcement to please be seated. The man stretching in the isle said “I thinks that’s being said to me” then he bent his other leg behind him and pulled his foot toward his butt. He continued his stretch in spite of the announcement. When asked to sit down by a flight attendant he sat down and took out a container full of spaghetti and meatballs. He took out three plates and divided the pasta and meatballs onto the plates. He passed out the plates and I watched his child eat, spill and mash his meal. Did I mention it was a long flight?
He said “I had four servings of intestines for lunch. Ate them in ten minutes. I had pig rectum yesterday. What did you have”
I said “I had a sub, at subways”
Note to self, never eat lunch with him.
Another day at a hotel with a breakfast buffet. I’m actually looking forward to being home, my pop tarts in the cupboard are looking darn good about now. I decided to have the “make your own” waffle. I tried to fill the “waffle measuring cup” with waffle batter but no batter came out, it must have been empty. There was only strawberry waffle batter so I decided to try it. I poured the batter in the waffle iron and closed the lid. A bright red clock on the waffle iron started counting down, two minutes thirty seconds until it was done. A man came over and tried to get batter. I told him only strawberry is available and that I’d be done in one minute and thirty seconds and gestured to the red timer. I looked away for a second and the man had opened the waffle iron. I explained that my waffle wasn’t done yet. He said “my bad” and walked away. I stuffed my mangled waffle back in the iron, let it cook and ate it while I thought about writing this blog post and going home.
Breakfast buffet day 2
The family in front of me each filled their cereal bowls overflowing with sausage, not cereal.
I was on the plane flying from LA. The person next to me was a woman about fifty who had never flown. She spent all of the two hour flight hyperventilating, banging her head into the headrest of her seat and banging her head into the seat in front of her . She also sat with her legs crossed Indian style (I know that’s not a politically correct term. My children were taught to say “criss cross applesauce” in preschool) Her knees were on my legs. She rocked less when her legs were in this position. At first I couldn’t decide which was worse, her knees on my legs or her rocking. I quickly decided I needed my space and she needed to stay in her space. A flight attendant came by with bags of snacks. I took one, the woman next to me put both hands into the snack bag and took as many bags as her hands could hold. I closed my eyes at this point and faked sleep while I listened to her pretzel bags rustling. It was a long flight! For both of us, I assume.
At a hotel that has a free breakfast buffet. I consider it breakfast and a show.
-I watched people putting pieces of sliced ham into the toaster
-A woman got breakfast for her child. She came back to her table dumped the food on the dirty table for her child to eat. Oh, by the way one of the foods she dumped on the table was oatmeal.
– Two woman fought over who uses the waffle iron first. Voices were raised. Names were called. Because of a waffle…