I can’t cook

Me-I like to cook

Woman-I can’t cook. I’ve never used an oven. Wait, I’ve made shrinky dinks. Do those count. They go in the oven.

Me-Sure, let’s say that counts. Sigh…

Almost dinner

When I was young and first married I tried to cook but It was one catastrophe after another. The harder I tried the worse things were.
I made a wonderful roast one night for dinner. I followed the directions I was given to the letter! The roast was done and actually tasted really good. I was putting it on a cutting board and somehow it slipped. Bounced off the cutting board to the floor. The dog jumped on it and started eating it.
I cried (I was young) and stood and watched the dog eat my dinner.
We had mashed potatoes and veggies for dinner.
Sadly, that’s not even close to my worst kitchen catastrophe.

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Chopped

I was watching Chopped with my kids. I said “I could go on that show and win”
My son said “no, you couldn’t”
I said “well, I could at least go on that show and not get chopped first”
My son said “no, you couldn’t”
I said “I could at least get on that show”
My son said “no you couldn’t”
I looked at the Mac N Cheese and chicken nuggets that was their lunch.
I said “no I couldn’t”

Eating plastic eggs?

Him-the eggs taste burnt
Me-I don’t think so
Him-tastes like plastic
Me-plastic? I don’t thinks so
Him-like you have the handle of the pan melted in there.
Me-what? That’s not even possible
Him-did you use a plastic spatula and melt it in there?
Me-no
Him-what did you use.
Me-a spoon
Him-walks over to the stove and inspects
Me-you ate three helpings? There isn’t one bite of eggs left. Then I had to laugh.